WHAT DAMN CAT?

So this blog's not really about cats? Or furballs? you ask. Hell no! It's worst than that.  

It's about this feisty, forever irate, disgruntled, opinionated, rabble-rousing, civilly disobedient, pot smoking "little old gray haired lady" (and I use the term loosely) who constantly makes noise that sounds like a cat coughing up a fur ball. She hacks it up and she's not happy unless everybody's gotta hear it.

Yep, Granny's gonna share her point of view on just about everything from those obnoxious tv ads strung out one after the other to bratty 'snot-nosed' kids to meddling airport security... and believe me, Granny don't hold back to spare nobody's feelings, don't matter rather you're related or what. 

Be prepared for the worst cause Granny's gonna bitch. She's mad as hell, she's older than all of us and she was born with attitude! Buddy, you don't want to rub granny backwards when she's got a cast-iron skillet in her hand.  Just thought I ought to warn you.  She's on the war-path!  Meow!

MOVING RIGHT ALONG

Someone asked if they could talk to me on yahoo messenger. So, I opened it for the first time in a very long time and was bombarded with boxes on top of white IM boxes. 

I've talked to more people from Ghana in one week than I have in my whole lifetime. Most of them talk awhile and then ask for something to do with money. Of course I don't have money and wouldn't send it to a stranger if I did.

Then there's all those men in their 30s and 40s 'seeking a lasting relationship'. Those guys must be so desperate to be professing love to a 66 year old totally strange old lady like me.

And of course there's men who want to talk dirty and there were even a couple of ladies. One asks me if I want to see her sexy pictures. I say, "No, sweetie, I'm female and straight and not interested." She types back, "You're probably a virgin anyway." That one made me laugh out loud because it's pretty hard to retain one's virginity after six kids!

So anyway, yahoo messenger has been a bit interesting, a bit annoying and a lot of fun. You ought to try it sometime. Just don't give any money away and don't, for Gawd's sake, fall in love.

GRANNY'S PRAYER

God grant me patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance because Lord knows if I ask for strength I will beat them all to death.

GRANNY ON THE HIGHWAY

SPEEDING SENIOR

When asked by a patrol officer "Do You know you were speeding"? I talked myself out of a ticket by stating, "Yes, young man, but I had to get there before I forgot where I was going".

Makes perfectly good sense to me......

WHERE'S MY DAMN CHECK, YA BUM?

I spent a lot of years getting up by the alarm clock, working all day (or night) for a paycheck so I could support whoever was hanging around. Once I wised up and unsaddled myself of the men in my life, there were times I was earning three different checks at a time. I'm older now and too damn smart to do any of that anymore; men, alarm clocks or jobs. 

The one lasting thing I earned in all those years was a barely livable once a month social security check. Keeps me off the streets (and my no-count smart mouth son swears lots of people celebrate that). 

Anyway, I'm gettin' by, mindin' my own business, paying my bills and splurging a little on medicine. Life is good!

Now them greedy bastards in Washington, who can't manage a trillion dollar budget nearly as good as I manage my piddling little check, need more money for one or the other of their infernal wars. They're hinting it might have to come from social security. 

I'll tell you what...they're gonna have another war on their hands first time they steal out of my check! They ain't seen mad till this old lady has to eat cat food 'cause they can't keep peace no better than they can manage money!  They'll think WAR!  Goldang thieving s.o.b.s. 

THE SENIOR ALPHABET

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention...Oops!

H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

Oh yeah...
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy', you know.
W for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray and what might be found.

Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have... in my mind!
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed
And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

DUMMY DOWN!

Remember your school days? Rise and shine. Dress your best. Sit in class and damn well behave yourself or you'd experience the humiliation and pain of a ruler across your palm - or worse.

Remember what you did when school finally let out? I mean besides yelling and hollering and dawdling all the way home? You went straight in and by golly did your homework, and you didn't even think about going outside to play Red Rover until it was done and I mean done right!

And when Report Card Day came around, if you didn't make decent grades, remember what happened? ooh! When I think about it, my backside still stings from my mama's expertly wielded bedroom slipper: Damn! She could sure make that thing pop!

An then remember the fear you felt waiting for your daddy to get home if you made an 'F'? Yeah, well, you may as damn well just forget all that. The schools have, the parents have, and you can be damn sure the kids already have. Damn lazy heathens!

It's just now the end of the school year for my dumb-downed 12 year old grandson and I gotta tell you something. Keep in mind, this boy ain't done a lick of schoolwork this year, in class or out. Sometime in mid-September as I recall, he began to demonstrate a total lack of interest in anything related to education... he had discovered that the girls like his hair, for cryin' out loud.. and there went the last drop of motivation for anything else, schoolwork most especially.

So the year went by, girlfriend after girlfriend. And you know what? He failed. He failed so damned bad that the only grade above an 'F' he made on any of this year's report cards was one 'D' and I think that was probably in lunch! Know what's got me reeling over my walker? They passed him anyway! Wanna know why? Because you have to make ALL 'F's to repeat the grade.  It's the Rule.

Wanna know what else? The one 'D' he got? Disqualified him from summer school! QUALIFY? Why, in my day, you didn't QUALIFY for summer school, after your butt healed from the whipping, you HAD to go if you did that bad.

I can't think of enough curse words or I'd say them. It seems to me that the Rule just told him THERE'S NO POINT in wasting time studying or doing homework if YOU CAN PASS with 'F's. All you gotta get is one little 'D' and, whoopie, you're free to go. Why should he ever study again? That Rule just set him free - no more learning crap for that kid.

No damn wonder America has the dumbest kids in the world! No damn wonder that the next generation will all be workin at McDonalds. And, damn it, those of them that wind up in prison for stealing what they need? Ain't no sense wondering why! They were all doomed by that damn Rule!

Can you even begin to imagine the effect the Rule will have on the next generation of political types?  Or cops? Or... or... It's giving me a headache even thinking about it. I'm headed in to put a shot of rum in my iced tea.

But, now you know. Can't say you don't. Ain't no more doubt, these dumb little neanderthals are gonna take our country to hell for sure! See ya!

Granny

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are SO on my shit list ...

RECIPE FOR GRANNY'S BHANG CAKE:

RECIPE FOR GRANNY'S BHANG CAKE:

And don't give me no guff about prohibition. Pot's safe enough for babies. Mamas used to use it to put babies to sleep when they were teething, before those damn liars in Washington pulled the cotton over everybody's eyes.

INGREDIENTS 8 oz Cannabis leaves 2 sticks butter 2 cans whole evaporated milk 1 store-bought cake mix (moist) of choice Very large pot/kettle Lots of water Takes about 24 Hours to become Bhang. Then use equal amount of Bhang to replace liquid in cake mix.

DIRECTIONS: Cover Cannabis in water in pot. Boil 1/2 hour. Drain, throw out water, save Cannabis. Do this at least 4 times. Now take drained Cannabis, place in pot, add butter and canned milk. Bring to a boil. Then simmer for eight (8) hours. [NOTE: When cooking, keep Cannabis moist or covered with water at all times. May need to add an occasional cup of water.] When simmer is complete, drain, save liquid and very carefully dispose of wet Cannabis mass. Makes more liquid than cake mix asks for, so will need to simmer covered liquid down to 1 and 1/2 cups. Don't let it burn.& When amount is 1 1/2 cups...That's the Bhang. Make cake mix as directed, except substitute Bhang for liquid. You will need to add the eggs. Bake as directed. Best served warm. Be careful - it is deceptively delicious. Granny's Bhang Cake is strong enough for 96 2-3oz servings so have a party.

DOSE: Individual. For new/light users recommend beginning with 2oz slice. I usually eat 5 to 7 ounces at a time so don't be afraid to enjoy it. To find your personal level, start low and eat another slice if you don't feel better in 30 minutes to an hour. OVERDOSE: Could throw up, stagger, sleep for long period of time. But, believe me, you ain't gonna die, so don't panic and call 911 like that damn silly cop did with his wife's brownies. POT WILL NOT KILL YOU. Nobody dies from marijuana. Even if you eat too much, you'll probably just feel real good the next day or two after you sleep it off. CAUTION: Use your God-given common sense when disposing of leftover ingredients. This cake is too strong for children and animals. Keep ingredients away from children and pets unless you want them to sleep for days.

NEVER TRY TO OUTSMART A WOMAN

Outsmart a woman???? ......Are you kidding?

I'm gonna tell you exactly why there ain't no goldern man lying round in my bed. Cause the old fool tried to yank my chain.

 

It was years ago. My ex called home and said, "Honey, I've been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone the whole holiday.  This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you pack me enough clothes for a 3 day weekend......

 

"And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?

 

"We're leaving at 4:30 PM from the office and I'll swing by the house to pick up my things.

 

"Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas." He says.

 

I'm thinking this sounds a bit odd, he don't never call me pet names 'cept when he wants some, but, being the good wife, I do exactly what my hubby asked.

 

Following the long weekend he came home a bit tired, but otherwise, looking good. I welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

 

"Oh Yes!" he says. "Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.

 

"But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?" he asks all innocent like.

 

I replied, "I did, you gosh-darn renegade (I didn't say too many curse words in them days). They're in your damn tackle box."

 

And that's why he's my ex.

Like I always say, never, never, Never try to outsmart a smart woman!!!