GRANNY SEZ

NAW, I AIN'T DEAD YET!

Reckon everbody thought I was a gonner.  I heard the damn cheerin' way over here. Nope, I just been sittin' back watchin all the hullabaloo and thinkin' shouldn't be long afore the world eats itself.  Then who's gonna run things? ME and the first thing ahm gonna do is make a law against makin' laws.

I notice that gawd dam prohibition thing is still goin' on. Gawd almighty that shit is lastin forever. Ain't nobody got no sense no more? I been smoking reefer longer than any of them jackasses been alive and it ain't hurt me none.

Readin bout wars on top a wars. Anybody'd think this wasn't one world all of us commin' from that same couple usta live in that garden down in Eden. You don't look like me so guess I'll shoot ya.  Well damn y'all, nobody looks like nobody. Specially me!

'N' who the hell do them Warshinton people think they are anyways? Ma and Pa Kettle? Shit they been gettin' tighter on all of us than a bloodsuckin leech on a skinny dipper. 

Talk about foolishness... Why, I was up at the hospital the other day gonna visit my ole mama who stays up on the 4th floor these days, and there stood two big ole guards blockin' my way. They wanted to look in my pocketbook afore they'd let me in. Well, you know bout how well THAT went over. I layed inta them two idiots like Rastas on Liza. 

"GOL DANG", I yelled in my least polite voice... cause I was perty much riled already. Two hours of hitchin' rides with city idiots wears a woman out ya know... "I got privates in there ain't no snot-nosed man gonna look at. What the hell you think yore doin'? Dint yore mama teach you better? You touch my bag I'm gonna slap you up side that pointy head of yores like yore mama shoulda done years ago!"  

One of 'em, the goofy lookin' one with the big ears, says, "Ma'am, we're just doin' our job." I went a pitch higher... "YORE JOB? Ain't it in the constitution i got privacy in my personal things? Since when it is yore job to poke around in a lady's pocket book, you fool? You gonna wanna look up my dress next, you pervert? By gawd i ain't never heard such foolishness. I got rights and ain't no redneck country boys in fancy blue uniforms gonna look in my privates!" 

Reckon they dint know what to do then cause they pushed a button and a man in a white suit come out the door I was trying to go in.  Without a please nor thank you, he walked straight up to me and says, "Ma'am you're going to have to leave. You're upsetting the patients."  Sick folks my ass. If I know mama she weren't the littlest bit upset... She was sittin back there laughing like a drunk hyena. So I tell the man loud enough for mama to hear, "Ahm goin' but when I git back, you folks are gonna be sorrier than a blind owl with a bee up his ass!" 'N' that's all whut I come for anyways was to let mama know i was thinkin bout her.  Reckon she knew alright.

Well I better git offen this thing. I'm a busy lady ya know. Got chores waitin and half bottle of hootch to kill afore bedtime. Thank the lord that 'noble gawd dam experiment' finally failed.

WHAT DAMN CAT?

So this blog's not really about cats? Or furballs? you ask. Hell no! It's worst than that.  

It's about this feisty, forever irate, disgruntled, opinionated, rabble-rousing, civilly disobedient, pot smoking "little old gray haired lady" (and I use the term loosely) who constantly makes noise that sounds like a cat coughing up a fur ball. She hacks it up and she's not happy unless everybody's gotta hear it.

Yep, Granny's gonna share her point of view on just about everything from those obnoxious tv ads strung out one after the other to bratty 'snot-nosed' kids to meddling airport security... and believe me, Granny don't hold back to spare nobody's feelings, don't matter rather you're related or what. 

Be prepared for the worst cause Granny's gonna bitch. She's mad as hell, she's older than all of us and she was born with attitude! Buddy, you don't want to rub granny backwards when she's got a cast-iron skillet in her hand.  Just thought I ought to warn you.  She's on the war-path!  Meow!

MOVING RIGHT ALONG

Someone asked if they could talk to me on yahoo messenger. So, I opened it for the first time in a very long time and was bombarded with boxes on top of white IM boxes. 

I've talked to more people from Ghana in one week than I have in my whole lifetime. Most of them talk awhile and then ask for something to do with money. Of course I don't have money and wouldn't send it to a stranger if I did.

Then there's all those men in their 30s and 40s 'seeking a lasting relationship'. Those guys must be so desperate to be professing love to a 66 year old totally strange old lady like me.

And of course there's men who want to talk dirty and there were even a couple of ladies. One asks me if I want to see her sexy pictures. I say, "No, sweetie, I'm female and straight and not interested." She types back, "You're probably a virgin anyway." That one made me laugh out loud because it's pretty hard to retain one's virginity after six kids!

So anyway, yahoo messenger has been a bit interesting, a bit annoying and a lot of fun. You ought to try it sometime. Just don't give any money away and don't, for Gawd's sake, fall in love.

GRANNY'S PRAYER

God grant me patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance because Lord knows if I ask for strength I will beat them all to death.

GRANNY ON THE HIGHWAY

SPEEDING SENIOR

When asked by a patrol officer "Do You know you were speeding"? I talked myself out of a ticket by stating, "Yes, young man, but I had to get there before I forgot where I was going".

Makes perfectly good sense to me......

WHERE'S MY DAMN CHECK, YA BUM?

I spent a lot of years getting up by the alarm clock, working all day (or night) for a paycheck so I could support whoever was hanging around. Once I wised up and unsaddled myself of the men in my life, there were times I was earning three different checks at a time. I'm older now and too damn smart to do any of that anymore; men, alarm clocks or jobs. 

The one lasting thing I earned in all those years was a barely livable once a month social security check. Keeps me off the streets (and my no-count smart mouth son swears lots of people celebrate that). 

Anyway, I'm gettin' by, mindin' my own business, paying my bills and splurging a little on medicine. Life is good!

Now them greedy bastards in Washington, who can't manage a trillion dollar budget nearly as good as I manage my piddling little check, need more money for one or the other of their infernal wars. They're hinting it might have to come from social security. 

I'll tell you what...they're gonna have another war on their hands first time they steal out of my check! They ain't seen mad till this old lady has to eat cat food 'cause they can't keep peace no better than they can manage money!  They'll think WAR!  Goldang thieving s.o.b.s.