THE SENIOR ALPHABET

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention...Oops!

H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

Oh yeah...
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy', you know.
W for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray and what might be found.

Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have... in my mind!
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed
And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

DUMMY DOWN!

Remember your school days? Rise and shine. Dress your best. Sit in class and damn well behave yourself or you'd experience the humiliation and pain of a ruler across your palm - or worse.

Remember what you did when school finally let out? I mean besides yelling and hollering and dawdling all the way home? You went straight in and by golly did your homework, and you didn't even think about going outside to play Red Rover until it was done and I mean done right!

And when Report Card Day came around, if you didn't make decent grades, remember what happened? ooh! When I think about it, my backside still stings from my mama's expertly wielded bedroom slipper: Damn! She could sure make that thing pop!

An then remember the fear you felt waiting for your daddy to get home if you made an 'F'? Yeah, well, you may as damn well just forget all that. The schools have, the parents have, and you can be damn sure the kids already have. Damn lazy heathens!

It's just now the end of the school year for my dumb-downed 12 year old grandson and I gotta tell you something. Keep in mind, this boy ain't done a lick of schoolwork this year, in class or out. Sometime in mid-September as I recall, he began to demonstrate a total lack of interest in anything related to education... he had discovered that the girls like his hair, for cryin' out loud.. and there went the last drop of motivation for anything else, schoolwork most especially.

So the year went by, girlfriend after girlfriend. And you know what? He failed. He failed so damned bad that the only grade above an 'F' he made on any of this year's report cards was one 'D' and I think that was probably in lunch! Know what's got me reeling over my walker? They passed him anyway! Wanna know why? Because you have to make ALL 'F's to repeat the grade.  It's the Rule.

Wanna know what else? The one 'D' he got? Disqualified him from summer school! QUALIFY? Why, in my day, you didn't QUALIFY for summer school, after your butt healed from the whipping, you HAD to go if you did that bad.

I can't think of enough curse words or I'd say them. It seems to me that the Rule just told him THERE'S NO POINT in wasting time studying or doing homework if YOU CAN PASS with 'F's. All you gotta get is one little 'D' and, whoopie, you're free to go. Why should he ever study again? That Rule just set him free - no more learning crap for that kid.

No damn wonder America has the dumbest kids in the world! No damn wonder that the next generation will all be workin at McDonalds. And, damn it, those of them that wind up in prison for stealing what they need? Ain't no sense wondering why! They were all doomed by that damn Rule!

Can you even begin to imagine the effect the Rule will have on the next generation of political types?  Or cops? Or... or... It's giving me a headache even thinking about it. I'm headed in to put a shot of rum in my iced tea.

But, now you know. Can't say you don't. Ain't no more doubt, these dumb little neanderthals are gonna take our country to hell for sure! See ya!

Granny

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are SO on my shit list ...